If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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