I accidentally had phone sex last night
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
