is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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