So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
