it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
