I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
