Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
