i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
