She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
