He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
