apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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