Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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