looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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