so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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