How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
