I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize