I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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