its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
