Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
