We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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