yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
