Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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