I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
