i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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