It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
