On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
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