walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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