I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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