There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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