apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
