I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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