hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
