I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
