u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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