then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize