I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
