I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize
