Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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