Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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