Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Every concussion has its silver lining
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
