i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
The struggles of a small town man whore
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
