my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
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