I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
