Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
The adults are the big ones right?
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