My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
