A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
