found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
