is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
