She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
