I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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