You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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