FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
