final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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