I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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