Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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