There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
