My sheets look like a crime scene.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize