When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
soo... how was my night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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