You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
