When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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