Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
