i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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