He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
