Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
